I've Been Reading

Last week while I was in California I read two great books.  Two great books that I bought!  That's amazing because I never pay for books, ever.  I borrow, I check out, but I never buy!  I got a gift card from a student for Barnes & Noble and usually I just get something safe, a CD or scrapbook book, but this time I wanted to buy novels.  Buying books is so stressful for me!  I hardly ever reread books and I've found plenty of horrible books out there in the world that I would be horribly angry if I'd spent money on them.  Plus there are all of these free outlets where I can get the books I need and not be worried about the cost aspect.

Anyway, these books were great!  Oddly enough, they both had some quotes in them that brought me peace with what I'm going through right now.  (Crazy huh? one about Salem Witch Trials the other about Chinese immigrants in the 1930s) 

from Shanghai Girls by Lisa See (I've read another book by her that I loved too, so I will definitely be reading more)
"I want to scream, I've lost my baby! How can my sister not know what I'm feeling? How can she not understand what it is to have lost this person who's been swimming inside me for nine months, whom I've loved with my whole heart, whom I've steeped with so many hopes?" (p.232)

All I wanted to say was, "Amen, Sister!" I don't think I'll be able to quantify what's been the hardest thing about this struggle, or which piece was harder than another piece because as time moves on I realize that the pieces change, my feelings change.  Certain parts get harder, certain things get easier.  New feelings arise, new struggles appear.  But I do know for a fact that one of the most challenging parts has been that no one does understand.  I have met or heard about a lot of women with similar situations of losing a baby (earlier than me, later than me, at one year, at seven years, etc.), but, nevertheless, their situation is still different from mine.  This was my first baby.  My first time pregnant.  I don't know for sure that I can carry a baby full term.  I don't know for sure that I can get pregnant again.  I don't know for sure that I will be a mother on this earth.  I do know that I am expected to continue on doing what I've been doing because I didn't have a baby and there's no reason to change. I do know that I'm expected to be around all of these women who are mothers, who have babies, who are pregnant, who were pregnant as if nothing happened.  It's definitely a lonely process.

from The Heretic's Daughter by Kathleeen Kent
"If we could see the fullness of our tomorrows, how many of us would take desperate action to change the future?  What if our far seeing showed us the loss of our homes, our families, our very lives and to save it all we would need only to barter away our most precious souls.  Who among us would give up what we cannot see for what we can hold in our hands? I believe many of us would peel ourselves away from our immortal selves as easily as the skin from a boiled plum if it meant we could remain on earth for a while, our bellies full and our beds warm and safe at night." (p. 214-215)

I liked how this gave voice to what I've been feeling.  I cannot see where this will all end where it will all work out or come together.  I would hand over a lot of things just to know when it will be okay.  I think as humans we long to know the future, but that's part of the struggle, purpose.  Getting along, moving forward, working still even though we don't know where it's going.  We don't know what tomorrow looks like.  That's where faith has to come in, where we have to decide that we do know it will be okay we just don't know how or when, we just know why.

"I understood at that moment fully and suddenly why he would not carry me, and why he had not come to my defense in times past when I was battling for my place in the world.  It was not because he failed to love me, but because he loved me so well....He would never seek to weaken me so that I could not withstand the burdens and cruelties or harsh judgments of the world." (p. 321-322)

This reminds me of the "Footsteps" poem, the same kind of theme.  Often times we feel alone and abandoned, when really that is when the Lord is doing the most for us.  He is providing what we need, we're just too absorbed in our problems to notice.  And in His letting us struggle, we are getting stronger, we are becoming more like Him and more ready to receive his blessings. (It's just the wait that's the kicker!)