So I'm 19 and a half weeks along right now and I'm pretty sure if I were pregnant with my eighth kid right now, this would still be a pretty tough time. I have successfully carried a baby full term and even had a c-section. I have a cerclage right now and there is only a 10-15% chance that something could go wrong now. But this time in my pregnancy is still riddled with memories of JJ and those experiences with him.
I even thought I was doing pretty good, all "moved on" and everything. Nope, I bawled through most of a musical fireside tonight thinking about JJ. I look at Johnny and am even more grateful to have him in my arms climbing all over me.
However, this pregnancy I have a big goal. I'm going to try my darnedest to work until as close as I can before my due date so I can take all of 3rd quarter off. (In that scenario, I return to school after spring break when baby is 3 months old!)
And in all reality, it's still pretty surreal that I'm pregnant at all. Trust me, I feel pregnant. I live with a heating pad in bed. I sleep with a pillow between my legs. Heartburn pills are my best friend. And I am EXHAUSTED. Oh, and I have a belly too.
But still, I can't believe I'm pregnant. I can't believe that in a little more than 4 months we're going to have a new addition in our family turning life upside down. What is so hard to believe is that things actually went according to "plan." I can't believe that. It's like the opposite of the "why me?" whine, it's more of the "why me?" confusion. We've gotten pretty good and making due with how things have worked out for us, not at all how we want them to. I had even toyed with the idea that maybe Johnny would be our only child and I was okay with that. But to instead be pregnant with one baby when I still have one stumbling (yes, we're walking, but not too well) around the house, is weird. And I'm not ungrateful, I know better than to feel that emotion. But it's just weird, it's still weird. And now it's weird and emotional.
But, hey, I'm pregnant, so how is that any different from normal. :)
20 Weeks Along
1 year ago
3 comments:
I love reading your posts! I know what you mean about "weird". I don't think that feeling ever goes away. It doesn't matter how many kids you've got. I hope your plan works of being able to take the whole 3rd quarter off.
I think it is perfectly normal to be worried after your experience with JJ. I love to read your thoughtful posts.
You are getting so far along now...I'm missing so much! :( Johnny is a special boy. As is JJ.<3 With my life challenges being...well...challenging, I still have a hard time putting myself in your shoes. You and J are like us in that you are forced to be strong and survive through scary, unknown times, but what we feel and endure in our specific trials are different. Yet I feel like we really "get" eachother. A special bond indeed!
Big love to you guys!
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