A new year?

For obvious reasons, I've been very reflective with the start of this new year. I think back on the big 99-2000 new year and what I was doing. Single, hanging with some close friends. I think about where the three of us are now- 2 married and mothers, 1 still single. What a difference ten years can make. Then when I look back to the 2008-2009 new year and Jason and I didn't even make it to midnight. We toasted with some friends at 10:30 and called it a night. I remember our hopes and dreams at that time and then I think about how close, yet how far, we are to them now. When I think about what we've been through this year, I am humbled. To think, it was just one year ago that we celebrated so simply. To think, just two months ago everything happened with JJ. I just can't believe it.

I hope 2010 holds wonderful things for us, but I am so scared of what it might hold, what it could hold and even what it might not hold for us. Part of me just wants to stop right where we are and not risk further heartache. But another part of me wants to press forward, work through this pain and find something wonderful again. Something to look forward to, something I want to have happen. But, there are so many unknowns- what might happen? Will we lose another baby? Or was this a fluke? Will we get pregnant again? Or was that a fluke? Will the blessings promised Jason and me in priesthood blessings come in this life? Or the next? Ultimately, the bottom line is I really have little control, effect or influence on any of this. And that is a hard thing to accept as the control freak that I am.

I had a student last year who I would talk with frequently about how he had to do so little to exceed the examples of his older sisters. (He loved to tell me stories of the trouble they had gotten in. One missed her grandfather's funeral because she'd already ditched too many days of school and wouldn't graduate if she missed any more.) I would tell him, "Imagine how impressed and pleased your parents would be if you got perfect grades and never caused any problems." He would just shrug it off with, "Oh, but if you aren't trying for anything, you can't be disappointed when it doesn't work out." I never would have thought that I could agree with that disparaging statement. If I don't have any expectations for this year, I can't be disappointed when they don't work out. Yet, on the flip side, there are the beautiful words from my seminary days in 2 Nephi chapter 2 that I rediscovered last night,

22 And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.

23 And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.

24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.

25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

Bottom line, as all seminary graduates understand, without sorrow you cannot truly experience joy. It is the bad, with the good, that helps us grow and experience live at its fullest. If I give up my expectations and lose my hope, Satan has won and I have lost the ultimate fight.

Right now I'm reading "Left to Tell" by Immaculee Ilibagiza about her survival of the Rwandan Holocaust. It really has helped me to put things in perspective. For three months she hid with seven other women in a tiny, cramped bathroom and waited out her fate, while her family, friends and livelihood was hunted and destroyed. Many of her thoughts about the Lord have brought me peace, one being on page 114,

"I was certain that God had a greater purpose for me, and I prayed every day for Him to reveal it to me. At first I was expecting Him to show me my entire future all at once-maybe with a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder thrown in for good measure. But I came to learn that God never shows us something we aren't ready to understand. Instead, He lets us see what we need to see, when we need to see it. He'll wait until our eyes and hearts are open to Him, and then when we're ready, He will plant our feet on the path that's best for us...but it's up to us to do the walking."

These words bring me comfort as I think about my desires, how strong, overwhelming and almost crippling they are. But yet, how the Lord works with us in order for us to find peace in our own way. He waits for us to work things through. He does what he can without taking away our agency, and leaves the rest to us. It is just that waiting that is brutal. He never reveals the future to us, because we probably couldn't handle it and it's probably not what we really want to know. All He can do is place people in our lives to help us make it through.

In reality, it's only been a year and, actually, only a few months with a few days that shook my world at the core. So I'm a bit nervous to make any resolutions this year. I'm a bit worried about hoping for what this year might hold. But I do draw strength from a blessing my bishop gave me just a short time before JJ was born, "May you keep your faith and hope." If I can hold to those sweet words, where can I go wrong?