A moment

{I'm telling you right now, I'm blogging about this more for my memory than anything else. I wish we had more exciting things to share about our summer, but I swear, it has been UNEVENTFUL around here.}

Johnny has quite the bedtime routine.  Fresh diaper, clean jammies and the cuddle in the rocker.  He gets to pick two different books to read.  Mommy has her favorites, Daddy has his favorites and Johnny has the ones he always picks.  We read two books, then we sing two primary songs.  I don't know why we say we, it's totally me or Daddy singing.  Johnny's cuddling and sucking on his finger.

I have to admit that Johnny has definitely helped me heal after JJ.  Having a baby to hold in your arms makes it easier to deal with the one you cannot.  So, I'm really doing well.  I'm at peace.  I find myself able to talk to people about the situation and tell my story almost as a bystander.

But then I have moments and I realize I still have some very sensitive feelings. So, a few nights ago, I'm holding and rocking Johnny and singing "I am a Child of God."  I get to the chorus, start to think of JJ and start to cry and cry and cry.  I can hardly finish the song, thank heavens, Johnny didn't mind.

The line that really got to me was, "lead me, guide me, walk beside me."  It's pretty overwhelming to know you have a son, who could lead you and guide you on how to return to Heavenly Father.  And the walking beside me part?  That definitely made me cry, thinking of the days, in the far distant future, when I'll be able to hold his hand and walk beside him.

So, all in all, I'm doing pretty well.  I'm feeling pretty whole, but sometimes I get a chance to remember and reflect and reality shakes for a bit as I give in.