One Month Reflection

So, it's been one month since JJ was born. It seems like it's been so much longer since then. It's hard to believe that it's been just 30 short days- wow. I learn more about myself and this experience every day. Let me share some of them with you (in my standard type A oldest child style of a list- some things still make me happy!).

• I never run out of tears. I've been a cryer my entire life. I actually went through a phase when I was about 10-12 that I hated being a cryer, so any movie that came out from 90-92 that was remotely sad I hate. I've since comes to terms with it and can actually cry without making a noise and sometimes without shedding a tear. And there have been times in my life when I've cried more than others. The six months we were engaged when I was living in California and my family was all in Arizona and my mom was having surgery for cancer I was particularly emotional- Home Depot commercials could make me cry. But usually my phases would last until the tears were out of my system and I was fine. But now I can cry any time, any where, no matter when I cried last. You'd think I'd dehydrate myself, but, no, I can still cry without any medical repercussions.
• Being back at school is good for me, unfortunately. I was completely ready to leave the classroom behind this year without any problems. I've taught seven years and am very pleased with what I've done and was ready to move on to the next phase of my life. Now that I know that isn't the case and I might be back in the same place next year, it really bums me out. But being back at school, even though I don't want to be there, has been so good for me. It gives me something to think about. (And trust me, teachers don't have time or energy to think about any other problems.) It's something I can control. There are so many things in my life that I can't do anything about, but you know what, in my classroom I control it all. If it's not working, I can fix it. If it's bugging me, I stop it. Having that right now has been almost therapeutic.
• I really like being alone. I'm not feeling too social, ever. And if I do want to be social, I want to be with Jason.
• But I like having people check up on me. Seeing people moving on with their lives is pretty hard. Some times I want to just stand up and scream, "Do you realize what I'm going through?!?! Do you even CARE?!?!" Seeing others unaffected by it makes me think that I should be unaffected by it and the fact that I'm still working with it is wrong. But when people check up on me and let me know that they are thinking about me or let me see when they ask "How are you?" in their eyes that they're really asking "Is everything okay today? Do you need a hug? How can I take this away?" I feel better and I know it's okay for me to deal with this my way and that I'm going to be okay because people are watching out for me.
• I'm loving having time for me. I've always been a very busy person, but with all of this I dropped everything: piano lessons, scrapbook club, book clubs, etc. Almost every night I get to come home and be home. I get to eat dinner with Jason. I get to relax. It might be hard to go back to my old schedule, I almost wish I didn't have to.
  
• Since I'm getting pretty good at working through this in privacy, I'm really sensitive. If anything makes me mad- I snap (I grew up with a mom who was a screamer, I was a screamer. Jason didn't like it, I kicked the habit. But I'm all back to screaming when I really get angry). If someone offends me- I burst into tears. If I'm tired- I get really stubborn and whiny (hey wait, that isn't new). So if I say something to you offensive or come across as "bristly" it's my emotions, not me.

I hope this didn't come across as too negative. All in all, I am doing amazingly well (just ask my doctor), and when you see me, I probably look great. I'm finding this is a very private, personal process and I find every day something new that I need or want and then it changes. And, as always, it's always hard to admit you need something that you can't take care of for yourself. Jason's trying hard, he can hear my tears and will come running from anywhere in the house, but he's still as Brad Paisley puts it, "just a guy." We have had some really funny experiences with him trying to work with what he calls my "emotional business." Bottom line, I feel pretty dang good considering what I've been through. I appreciate all of your love, prayers and attention- I promise you that I can feel it.