Lately, I've been telling myself that I'm okay with the loss- it's the absence of motherhood that's hard right now. I know JJ is okay. I know he's in heaven. I know he's in a better place right now with better people than we could ever give him right now. I know that some day I will be able to raise him, without Satan, without sin, without everything that makes this earthlife so yucky (for lack of a better word). I'm okay with that.
I've been telling myself I'm sad because I'm not a mother in this life right now. Instead, I'm still going to school each day, like I have been for the last seven years. I'm still balancing work and being a wife and church and life and everything like that. I tell myself, "When I get pregnant again, things will be better." Then I'll know that I might be able to have a baby in this life, in this home, in these arms, right now. Then I'll be like all of those mothers I already know with little ones to hold and love.
I've been telling myself that the issues with fertility are the hard part, the frustration. It took us 18 months to get pregnant with JJ to lose him 5 months later. Here we are, trying to get pregnant for 5 months. Will it end up the same? Will it take us 18 months to get pregnant again? Will I have too keep on doing what I'm doing for 18 more months!?!?!
But reading that post today, and all of the other posts by amazingly strong women, showed me that I am still sad about losing JJ. I miss him so much. I know he's fine right now, but I wish he were with me. I wish he were here, with us, right now.
As I near the six month mark (4/29) I can't believe it's been just six months. I don't even recognize myself. I hardly even recognize my life. When I think over my life, particularly the five years we've been married I can't even fathom what the Lord has done with our lives. I know he's strengthened me for this task (that sounds so cheesy, but I cannot come up with a better word for the life of me!) and I know that he is still shaping and molding me. I keep thinking of all of those seminary devotionals, "My life is but a weaving between my God and me..." and the one about the metalworker who compares his life to a piece of metal being shaped and molded and his desire to not end up in the scrap heap and even the lessons I've had about pruning and the painful process that is. I know this is painful and I know that it's hard, but Heavenly Father knows that too. As I read those other blogs, they brought me comfort and peace to know that other women are struggling with similar things and they're hanging in there too. Just like me. And today, Heavenly Father reminded me that peace is only a step away. And that I can keep praying that He'll give my son a hug every day for me.
4 comments:
Katie-
Thank you for your sweet comment on my blog today. I'm so sorry that we are bound together by such similar tragic events. One thing that has amazed me after we lost our Michael, is finding out just how many parents suffer from the same heartache.
My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time of healing. I look forward to the day when we will both be able to hold our sons in our arms once again!
Much love,
Hil
Katie-
It's amazing the unspoken network that comes out of the woodwork when someone experiences a loss. I am so glad that your ward has been taking care of you!
I remember it was around 6 months that I was so frustrated that everyone else had "moved on" and I felt left in the dust because I ached and cried and felt so empty.
One of the toughest conversations I had ever had was with my sister when she told me that it was time for me to "walk alone" and that no one was going to know exactly how to help me anymore. I could no longer expect that. I was angry when she said that! I thought how dare she tell me I had to be alone when so many people had helped me in the past. But eventually I came to realize that it was unfair of me to expect others to know exactly how to succor me. I had to rely on Christ and Christ alone.
Thank you for YOUR words of strength and comfort. If there is one thing I have learned, is we don't realize sometimes how well we really are handling things, even if we do get mad, lonely, depressed, sad, etc.
Thank Heavens for temples and the sealing power!! May you be held tenderly by those unseen hands as often as you need!
Rebecca
http://rebeccaphoebe.blogspot.com/
Katie, I sometimes wonder why we go through what we do in this life. What heavenly fathers plan is for each of us? Why our struggles seem unbearable at times. You have gone through so much and I am sorry for that.
It took us four years to have Karson. Although we did not go through a loss like you did, I know what you mean to be hurting not having a baby in your arms. Katie I know that you will someday have a baby in your arms. Our time is not always heavenly father's time unfortunately. I think that I never once have taken for granted being a mother because it took so long to happen. It has made me all the more greatful for the blessing he is in my life. You WILL be a great mother!!! It WIll happen! Just know that our thoughts and prayers have been with you and I am here if you need anything ever!!
Your blog is so touching. I appreciate the glimpse into your heart and your thoughts about your little one. I have been thinking about you a lot and I just want you to know that you are definitely in my prayers and thoughts.
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