Giving up control

So this Friday will be my last day of work before I go on maternity leave, 9 weeks before my due date.  My doctor has been asking me since I had my cerclage put in back in October to not be working.  I kept informing him that as much as I would love to go on 5 months of maternity leave, it wouldn’t really work for my budget or benefits.  If I stopped working, he was going to stop getting seen.  So we came to a mutual agreement that I would continue to stay off my feet at work, take it easy at home, keep my visits with him and if the situation worsened, or if he felt my situation had taken a turn for the worse- then I would go on bed rest. 

I did some research to find out at what point I could go on bed rest without losing my benefits.  The first HR lady told me it had to be within 6 weeks of the delivery date so that my total absence would be no more than 12 weeks.  Then I spoke with someone else who said I could take no more than 12 weeks of bed rest and then only the 6 weeks for maternity leave and be okay.  That meant once I made it to 3^rd quarter, I could be gone for any amount of time and still be in the clear.  Knowing that gave me peace of mind and helped me to relax about the entire situation.

So I told myself I would work until 36 weeks.  Once my cerclage came out at 36 weeks, towards the end of February, then I would quit working.  There was no way I wanted to go into labor anywhere near an 8^th grader.  Then, on Christmas Eve the back pain started.  For the remainder of winter break, I spent most nights on a hot pad working through back pain.  I knew that if that happened at all while I was in school, there was no way I could keep working.  I talked to my doctor about it and he told me, “You know I don’t want you working, but it has nothing to do with the back pain.” 

Amazingly enough, when I went back to work, the back pain subsided.  It would pop up occasionally during my prep if I sat at my computer too long, but otherwise, I felt okay.  But I got thinking, if my doctor doesn’t want me working, why am I working?  What do I get from working that I would lose if I wasn’t?  What do I risk by continuing to work?  Like he’s been telling me all along, I’m the only one who can take care of this baby.  And the best thing I can do for this baby is keeping him safe and happy in my belly for as long as possible.  Then I had a decision to make, when would I stop working?

I decided to get the quarter started, get some projects with my students going and then gladly hand them over to a substitute.  All in all, I’ll miss about 13 weeks of school- depending on when he makes his arrival.  I can afford about 6 weeks after he arrives.  I’ve told my students I won’t see them at all in February, March or April.  I’m anxious to be out of the classroom and out of that stress.  I’m so ready to have time to rest and easy access to a restroom and time to “nest” like I’ve been wanting to but unable to since my surgery. 

However, as my last day gets closer the actuality of the situation hits me.  For whatever reason, my body, on its own can’t carry a baby to full term in normal circumstances.  Accepting that is hard.  I’m a diehard first born who does things well, all of the time.  If I can’t do something well, I find something else to do better.  I am as stubborn as they come and insist on showing that my way will work and it will work better than any other.  Yet, as much as I try or work or want it to, I can’t make my body do what so many women’s bodies can do so easily.  And that’s hard.  That was part of what I had to overcome.  I kept telling myself, “Oh women, work until they deliver all the time!  So can I!”  But I had to stop and listen to my body and to my medical expert and realize maybe they can, and maybe I could, but I shouldn’t.  And no matter what my body wants to do, with the help of my doctor and my care and sacrifice I’ll make it do what I want!  And if that means I don’t work, and I “give up” on working, then so be it!  So I’ll be on maternity leave for about a quarter of the school year and someone else will do my job much worse than I ever would, even sitting from a stool and disciplining all 120 of my 8^th graders only with my booming voice, but so be it!  In the mean time, I’ll be at home, relaxing, resting, and ensuring that this baby will come to full term and be as healthy as he can!  So bring on the maternity leave- I’m ready!