Lessons Learned?

A few things have been said to me in the last week that have really gotten me thinking.  My aunt asked me "So, what have you learned from your JJ experience?"  I couldn't really give her an answer, as the question caught me off guard a little bit.  I was able to tell her that I know I'm not done learning and that the Lord is still trying to teach me what I need to know.  (Which makes me think about what my friend always tells her husband, "We better hurry and learn what the Lord is trying to teach us so we can get through this trial quick!" I probably should adopt that philosophy because my trials seem to ddddddddrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggg on....)

Then something else happened this weekend: my friend had the 3 year anniversary of losing her daughter.  I sent her an email letting her know I was thinking about her and she responded with a beautiful email about how her heart is healed.  She no longer feels pain, only gratitude for knowing her daughter has made it back to heaven and she will be reunited with her.  She can cry about the experience, but mostly feels peace.

Reading that was a little bit like a smack in my face.  I know my heart isn't healed.  I am grateful to know that JJ is in heaven and we will be reunited.  I am grateful that he is an exceptional son of God who didn't need this life to prove himself.  But I am far from a healed heart.

It also reminded me of my aunt's question.  Will I find more healing once I learn what the Lord is trying to teach me?

Anyway, so when I read her email, I tried to figure out why she had reached that point and I hadn't.

Here's what I have come up with-

1. She's had 3 years!  I've only had a little over one year, I need to calm down and let my heart heal in time.
2. She was a wonderful friend when everything happened and we've had many opportunities to talk and I know she has sought answers and healing much more aggressively than I have.  I'm not sure if I'm afraid to ask those questions or don't want to hear the answers.  I know where I can find the answers, I'm just not ready.
3. Yes, we've both lost a child, but from there our situations vary drastically.  She had three beautiful children at home before she lost her daughter.  Since then she has given birth to two more wonderful children.  I lost my first born after trying so long and hard to start a family.  I have no idea exactly what caused JJ's death.  I don't know if it will or even can happen again.  For the rest of my childbearing life I will wonder if I'm going to recreate history.  For every pregnancy I will go through anxiety, stress, pressure, severe medical scrutiny, basically, whatever it takes to carry that baby along as far as possible and will never have a worry-free 9 months.  That was taken from me when I lost my son

My heart aches when I think about what's been taken from me.  This wasn't something we chose.  This wasn't something we made a decision about and the consequences followed.  No, this is just life.  I do know I've learned that.  Life is rough.  We don't have a lot of control over how our lives turn out, but rather how we respond.  The Lord is in charge.  Things happen when He wants them to happen.  We can't will them to happen; we can't pray them into existence, but we can accept them.  We can adopt an attitude of acceptance and humility.  We can take faith, knowing the Lord loves us, the Lord knows us and he will only give us what we need and can handle.  And I can take peace from that because I know I can't handle much more and whatever the Lord blesses me with is what I need.  In the meantime, I'll keep taking things nice, easy and cautiously, allowing my heart to heal in as much time as it needs.